The Comment Tater

Sometimes I get really down when someone disappoints me. I'm sickened when I hear people take pride and joy in the pain and suffering of another that they caused. I'm also disappointed when you find that someone you trust lied and took advantage of another. Elitist make me want to hurl. In these moments, I look deep inside myself.

Every day I struggle with the yin and the yang of being. I know that it is easy to exact revenge or to unleash my frustration. To what end? These kind of actions cause me to become unbalanced. Disappointments of others are catalysts to imbalance. I'm seeking peace. Not happiness. Just peace.

When I grew up, times were tough. I know I didn't have it as hard as any number of kids out there. I never went without a roof over my head though during some time I did sleep on the floor and live out of a cooler because we had nothing except a roof over our heads. My childhood was still less than desirable wrought with domestic violence, sexual abuse, neglect and poverty. And some of these things played themselves out in my adult life. However, I know that the struggles and hard times I faced have made me who I am. To that end, my number one goal in life is to find peace by being a good human. I don't wish to be a best friend. I don't wish to be the best at anything. I don't even ever hope to be happy. I only want to find peace.

I don't think I can ever be "happy" the way that others are happy. I don't think I ever felt genuine love until I was 16. That quickly ended and to this day, that same feeling has eluded me though I've managed to come about as close as I'm ever going to allow myself to get. I think that happiness is a course for destruction for me anyhow. Anytime I've ever allowed myself to think or to feel that I was happy I found that it was more or less naievety which led to bad decisions and loss of control of my situation. Happiness is something you'll have when you are dead, I think.

But only if you find peace in your life.

How do I find peace? That is very difficult. There is a biblical saying about doing on to others. I find that most people only do what will make them happy regardless of the consequence or impact on other people's lives. I find that most people are not trustworthy or dependable. That's just sad. When you're sad, it is hard to find peace. But every day, I remain focused on maintaining that balance between peace and sadness.

A few years ago my journey for peace led me to my real father. Some might think I was crazy for looking a man up who I had never met before. Much to my amazement, it did bring me great peace. I actually enjoy my relationship with my real father a great deal and have forgiven his absence in my life. The reality is, in fact, that his presence may have only been mildly beneficial because he had some tremendous struggles as did my four sisters that he fathered. All in all, things turned out probably the way that was best.

Another thing. I don't grieve when people die. I expect death. Death is usually a welcome relief. Sometimes it is unexpected and that can be troublesome but I'm not sure that I have the capacity to actually grieve. Never really have. I've cried before but it is generally forced. Is this peace? I think in a strange way it is.

The only way that death would be truly regrettable to me is if I had left things undone. Raising my children is a priority. If I were to die before they were solidly capable of supporting themselves, that would be a travesty and I imagine their sorrow would spring from their helplessness and less from the loss of me. That is if they carry the same thing inside them that I do.

In my journey toward peace I wish to learn as much as I can. To inspire my children and to inspire others. I've told my children that when they go to another person's house and they play and they make messes to help clean up and try to go one step beyond that and leave the place in better condition than what it was when you got there. Crazy, eh? I think not. I think that is part of being a good human.

Perhaps at another time I will continue this dialog. For now, I ask you to look inside yourself. Are you a good person? Are you happy?